Thoughts & Doubts

Well, it’s been awhile, vast internet, and I proved once again that I’m not a blogger. Well, at least not one who is good at updating yet I feel like that is somehow key to success… meh.

When I was a kid (and still to this day), I wanted to be one of those people who kept a journal. I always thought that it was impressive that people would chronicle their lives in these personal, intimate writings, and I wanted to be one of those people. I would buy a journal and write an extensive entry only to forget about the journal for six months, sometimes longer. Between then, my handwriting would change, my life would change, and these writings weren’t deep or profound at all! Was I just not smart enough? Am I still not smart enough? I would rip out the pages, shred them, and start again, only to forget about it for another three to six months. The cycle would continue and it still continues to this day.

I have deduced that I am not a writer. I want to be. I have ideas and beginnings of stories that I would love to write, but I just don’t know that I have it in me. I don’t want to teach writing an follow the “those who cannot do, teach” cliche, especially because I’m not so found of children. I thought well maybe I could be an editor someday, and help those who can write realize their dreams of being read by thousands of people! That would be fulfilling for me. I would like to do that. I would still like to do that. But as with all good, desired things, easier said than done. I got my degree in English–check. But I’m a little lost as to where to go from here.

I moved from a small town on the Central Coast of California to the Seattle area to try to find something. I still live in a suburb and I’m trying to move into the city next year to experience that lifestyle. Of course, finding a job has proved to be difficult. I miss my family, my dogs, my little town, and the comfort of it all. Plus being unemployed is devastatingly boring. I’ve had a few interviews, but no job offers. This leads me to these doubts:

1. I’m not smart enough to get hired.
2. Was there a point to moving? I left a dead-end job, but at least it was a job.
3. Should I rethink my entire life course? Should I go to grad school? Maybe be a lawyer?
4. Was there a purpose behind going to school, when every job I look at doesn’t require a degree but instead experience? Did I waste my time and money?

I have to overcome these doubts. We all have doubts and insecurities. Of course, I have a lot of time to think about mine as I spend my days on the couch alone except for my roommate’s cat who will not leave me alone.

Now, I told you I would ramble (it’s the name of the blog, guys), but the point is this: When we think we are the most alone in the world, and that we are huge failures we have to remember not to be so hard on ourselves! Take life a little less seriously and enjoy the moment. Try to lessen your stress and doubts.

A lot of people struggle, but it’s the struggle that makes you stronger.


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